The Litter Box Diaries

Top Ten Ways To Get Unwelcome Holiday Guests To Leave

10. Bring out an old slide projector and two really dusty crates. Set up the portable screen and announce brightly: “Look what I found Slides from our trip to Mall of America when Megans Girl Scout troop won the cookie sale in 1984″

9. Dim the lights and pop in a “Barney” videotape.

8. Ask which version of the Bach Mass in B Minor they prefer: the Otto Klemperer or the Herbert von Karajan version. Insist that you play both of them so they can make an informed choice.

7. Using a loud whisper, ask one guest: “Would you mind looking at Thurstons throat for me? I think he may have strep…” Thurston should then start coughing.

6. Ask them to “quick, get the stains out of the tablecloth” and hand them a stain stick, some Lestoil and a laundry brush while pointing to the basement.

5. Grab a handful of flatware in one hand and a bunch of disgusting rags in the other and say “OK, who will help me polish the silver so we can put it away?”

4. Put on your coat and grab a bag of trash from the kitchen saying “Who wants to help me run these bags over to the dumpster behind the supermarket so those darn skunks dont return?”

3. Arrange with a co-conspirator to repeatedly flush the toilet and make disgusting noises in the nearest bathroom. Rush to your guests and ask “Does anyone happen to have syrup of Ipecac with them?”

2. Ask them to dislodge the wishbone from your dogs throat.

1. Bring your foot soaker into the living room and plug it in. Ask them to rub your feet and hand them the rubbing alcohol.